Oops. I did the thing I hate the most. I ate a Brioche bun. And now I am upset at myself.
This aspect of me has always been my character downfall and has held me back from my reaching my full potential. All my life I have made strong, clear decisions and projected a confident persona but deep inside is this VICTIM voice that emerges under peer pressure and wreaks havoc with my choices.
This victim voice tells me I am missing out, I am no fun, too good, too happy, too strict and when others are choosing to just live in the moment and throw caution to the wind. This voice tells me I am missing out, should give up my high standards and do what they are doing. After all – look at how much fun they are having!
The Commonwealth Games was such an amazing opportunity for me – 70 hours of putting the RARA in Carrara, meeting athletes and fans, and adding value to the biggest world event the Gold Coast has seen.
To be the light in the darkness has always been my nature – my brothers and sisters have come to rely on me to not just see the cup half full, but that is actually way to small. I am an optimist, a high I disc profile, an extravert who values integrity and wisdom. I can annoy people with my naturally happy demeanour.
BUT I recently let the darkness in.
Let me play it out for you so you understand clearly why I have just spent my 30 min PT session in tears instead of doing my weights. I have sat on a stretching mat trying to make sense of all these tears. You see its never about the Brioche bun – it’s what it represents.
The negativity started at 6am Monday when, at the gym, one particular lady was saying how bad the closing ceremony was in front of her teenage daughter. My reaction was intense and instantaneous – I walked away. The next person I saw was a mother at a birthday party drop off who started complaining about it. I said I would volunteer her for the next one.
I reflected that the negativity was shocking to my Aussie spirit. My mother would never have a negative opinion in my formative years. In fact, I used to get angry how she would see the blessing in all things (in her later years she confessed it was really hard but kids don’t need our negativity). As I walked the planet Monday and Tuesday, the media kept focusing on this one aspect of what was a great event in my life and I kept either blocking it out by playing audios or listening to favourite music.
I coached a law firm the next day; they commented my energy was amazing and it really helped them. I went to national franchise client to arrange my conference keynote and we planned our holiday prior in Cairns – a great day. On my drive home, I returned all my calls and was feeling terrific.
Arriving home to an empty house, I took my time to locate my missing children from neighbours and planned our dinner – burgler-ess burgers for Kent and I, and burgers for the kids with a healthy side salad and chicken nuggets for sharing.
And then it happened – three hungry kids and husband arrive home and the questions and demands start firing at me.
‘Where is my money you borrowed yesterday?’ says Master 8 for his friend’s birthday card.
My 10-year-old says ‘oh yeah I put $30 in the bag at the triathlon do you know where it is?’.
My husband says ‘I found it and spent it – can I have bacon on my burger?’
My daughter says ‘I want bacon’. I haven’t time budgeted for cooking bacon. I still keep positive; if I put bacon on it can still work.
Then the words come out – my husband says ‘I’m gonna eat a roll’.
For 45 days we’ve been completing a health program that we’ve been rolling out, and he’s been my rock, my greatest supporter, my voice of reason keeping me motivated along the journey.
Eat the brioche bun?
This is not part of the plan, but hey, it’s his body.
My son meanwhile is doing up our term 2 calendar and puts my birthday on the wrong date. I say ‘oh that’s ok, I don’t mind’. He gets really upset. I say ‘it’s ok’. But in that moment, you know it’s not ok, I’m not ok, I feel not ok. Why can’t I eat the brioche bun and that little voice wins – it’s says you are so righteous – always kind – when is it your turn to be negative, to lose it – your son is upset, its okay.
Your husband is stressed, not okay and that’s okay. Your daughter is just being her genuine self and happy to assume I will complete her assignment due tomorrow after she swam in the pool all afternoon – I’m not okay – so I eat the Brioche bun and its delicious.
No big deal right, we get through the night, but I feel exhausted, my dreams are turning into weird scenarios that make no sense, the alarm goes off at 4.40am for my husband’s ride and I’m still exhausted.
It’s raining – no pelting so I say ‘come to the gym with me for 30 mins’ and he says ‘oh there’s a class on in 60 mins, why don’t you join me after the last half – remember your birthday goal, it will be good for you’.
POP – there it is “MY BIRTHDAY GOAL” – the same voice that said to eat the brioche bun starts up – you will never reach your goal you ate the BRIOCHE BUN, you have no discipline, look at Kent, guilt free, loving life, loves to exercise rain or shine, got a job that he gets paid consistently for, you are six hours behind and have to follow up those leads you have ignored.
ON and ON and ON until Kent recognises the signs, sits with me and rubs my back as the tears start to fall. It’s not about the Brioche bun, it’s all the times I have let others convince me to do the thing I know I would beat myself up for later but I did them anyway to fit in, and fitting in felt easier than standing up for what I know I need and what is right and what is good for me.
It’s good for me to set goals and stick to them rigidly, easier than stopping and starting – it’s how I saved $40,000 before I was 28 and left my corporate career to start my own business. It’s how I saved and travelled to over 50 countries and had experiences very few will ever have.
Being disciplined is how I sold my first business for three times multiple, removed myself from sexual harassment and a dog-eat-dog business culture. It’s my positive nature and vulnerability that has helped me to empathise with couples who are struggling in marriage with a young family and business expenses.
It’s my stubborn nature that saw me complete my marathon and franchise my company.
It’s my perfectionist nature that finished my daughter’s assignment, encouraged my husband to drop her computer she forgot to the bus stop, and take a call from a past client who needed me but can’t afford to pay.
It’s my compassionate self that ca forgive myself for eating the Brioche bun and pressing reset, reset the birthday goal and put one foot in front of the next to start another day being the best me I can be. If that’s 10% capacity then be gentle and do as much as I can, maybe take a walk in the rain.
You see, the ridiculous thing is that my 45 day program delivered results – I have attached Kent’s and my BioScan results for you to see physically I have arrived however perhaps mentally I have another cycle to learn to be more compassionate about my choices and live guilt-free and tell those voices where to go by being honest and letting people see that even the most optimistic of us get really angry every now and again.